Real Talk About Sex and Consent by Cheryl M. Bradshaw

Author:Cheryl M. Bradshaw
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2021-03-15T23:23:58+00:00

Worries about how your peers or friends will reactPeople will talk about the situation after the fact and judge you negatively.

First, while hopefully a kind, respectful response from a partner or friends is more likely than some of these responses, we don’t want to dismiss them in hopes they’ll never happen. Because we unfortunately know that they do happen at times. So, to protect ourselves, our brains can focus on the possibility, however small, that those bad things could happen. Remember, your brain wants to keep you safe —and sometimes, “safety” is as much about avoiding rejection or keeping things from escalating as it’s about not doing something we don’t want to do. And that can sometimes send you into those middle- floor responses we talked about in the last chapter. Our defense systems engage if we feel helpless or like we don’t know what to do. But we don’t want to let that worry stop us from confidently setting a boundary from a top-floor place of clarity (if we’re safe enough to do so).

The good news is, our brains can overcome our fears better when we’ve thought through some solutions ahead of time—even the worst-case scenarios. So how do we deal with some of these worries if they do happen? Let’s start with number 1—worries about how the other person will react.

First things first—know that the other person’s reaction isn’t your fault. You don’t have to own the other person’s emotions or change your boundaries to accommodate their reaction. If someone stops being your friend or gets mad at you because you’ve set a boundary with them, it’s not your fault. It’s especially hard if you care about the person, but if someone doesn’t respect something as important as sexual boundaries, we may have to give up the story we told ourselves about that person. And they didn’t deserve our friendship in the first place.

If you’re with someone—even someone who seems awesome and cool—and they actually stop liking you or get angry if you refuse to do something intimate with them, then how cool is that person, really? Is that the kind of person you want to be with? Remind yourself of your worth—you deserve respect, always.

So if someone does get mad or stops being your friend, they’re showing you new information about themselves and how able they are to respect you as a person. Empower yourself by knowing that you’re worth putting yourself first. You can say, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is my choice.” Communicate your boundaries clearly, and remember that even if they try to make you feel differently, you have done the right thing by listening to yourself and what feels right for you, even in the face of a difficult response.

Sometimes we might feel unsafe to say no and communicate boundaries assertively. If that’s the case, try to create space from the person instead. You might excuse yourself to the bathroom, or even say that you feel sick and that you need to go throw up.

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